USA To Be Towed Across International Date Line

In an effort to reduce the ridiculous amount of time wasted on April Fools day, the USA will be separated from Canada and Mexico and towed westward across the international date line, thus making April fools day start first in the US and letting them post all the pointless drivel to the internet prior to the rest of the world waking up. With the current location of the US, Australians have to put up not only with 24 hours of their own stupid April fools jokes but with an extra 12-16 hours of the US’s jokes the next morning.

Canada, keen to be rid of their limelight-hogging southern neighbors, has already signed onto the deal. Mexico and Australia however have raised concerns about the plan. Mexico claims that it will be devastating to it’s people smuggling industry, however the Canadians are suggesting that people would be willing to pay more to be smuggled over the new ocean into Canada. Australia’s concerns revolve around being forced to accept the noisy Americans into the pacific neighborhood. Plans are already afoot to move New Zealand north and easy to act as a make-shift fence between the Australians and their new neighbors. The plan gaining heavy support mostly due to the extra distance it would place between the Australians and all those sheep loving, kiwi folk.

While some have expressed concerns about the environmental impact of moving significant parts of the earth’s tectonic plates into a new hemisphere, this isn’t the first time such a move has been made. In 2002, Australia went on a drunken rampage through the panama canal and woke up in the North Atlantic. Eventually they were driven to return to their usual geographic location by the constant whining of the poms who were now only a few hundred miles to the north-west.

It’s not April 1st, this is not a joke.