Catch The Bus

Seriously, catch the bus. Flying in or around America is no longer a feasible proposition. There are thousands of people milling around the front entrance trying to work out which queue to get in and where the hell the end of that queue is. Then there’s a few hundred police, customs officials and various other authority figures milling around looking for anyone who looks suspicious (which is everyone if you ask me). Then to try and sort out all the mess is one guy in a red coat with hundreds of confused potential passengers crowding around him asking where to go. It’s absolutely insane. Then when you finally get through to the security check, the metal detector is so sensitive it goes off when noone’s walking through it. So if you do have to catch a plane in America, here’s my survival guide: 1. Wear thongs. If you wear shoes you’ll just have to take them off anyway. 2. Follow the signs that say “first class” then get into whatever line is shortest. They’ll either check you in out of pity or tell you which is the right line to get into. 3. Arrive early. Really early. I’m also pretty unimpressed with the whole process. At 7am I got off a Qantas Boeing 747 400, went through customs, walked over to the next terminal, checked-in, came through security and at 9am finally reach my departure gate. I turn around to look out the window and see the exact same 747 400 no more than 100 yards away. Seriously weird. Other than that I’m having a ball wandering around the airport. There’s 2 starbucks within sight of each other (I always thought people were exaggerating when they told me that) and a Burger King which is kind of thrilling for an Australian because we have Hungry Jacks and everytime you mention it some smart alec always comments about how it’s really “Burger King” but they were paid by McDonalds to change the name overseas. I know that still won’t make much sense but I get a kick out of seeing a real Burger King anyway. Oh, and there’s an actual shoe shine guy too! I thought they were just in Law and Order…. This guys pretty upmarket though with comfy chairs and a shirt with “Marvin’s Shoe Shine” on the back. For now though I’ve got to run off and make sure I’m actually at the right gate.